HOROSCOPES: UNCOUTH GOURMANDS

20 Jun

I write horoscopes for the Uncouth Gourmands.

If you would like a horoscope written for your website or publication, let me know. I’m pretty talented. 😉

Click more to see a link to the horoscopes. Other horoscopes are available on the Uncouth Gourmands site.http://uncouthgourmands.com/2010/05/19/gastrological-astrology-for-the-week-of-may-29thzz/

Gastrological Astrology

By: Your High Priestess, Nadia Noir

Week beginning May 19th aka DoubleDEntendre

“You look good baby, must taste heavenly/ I’m pretty sure that you got your own recipe/ so pick it up, pick it up, yeah, I like you/ I just can’t get enough I gotta drive through.” –“Carry Out”, Timbaland (featuring Justin Timberlake)

This week is brought to you by Top 40’s pop.  Each of the signs is going to get a Top 40s pop song assigned to them based on what the universe wants them to pay attention to. The stars have decided that they’ve had enough of this serious (read: boring) “amuse-buche/five course meal with wine pairing/digestif” bullshit. Mercury is out of retrograde, Mars is in the North Node, Venus is…see, this means nothing to you. The universe is like, “OMG Nadia! Who cares? It’s going to be, like, 85 degrees today, the Coolhaus truck is finally out of it’s winter cave, and we’ve got bikinis to cry over!”

It’s always considered cool to bash the superficial, poptastic trends. Pre-pubescent frowning pseudo-intellectuals around the world are already requesting angostura bitters with their Cheerios. These children, likely dressed in ironic black and white nautical clothing, are hiding vintage Gourmet magazines in their 5th grade social studies books between the Missions and the Gold Rush. Fondly I do look upon thee, oh days of young angst-ridden obsession; that yearning to become a bitter adult entrenched in the absurd world of survival, the days I was reprimanded for intentionally trying to write in Olde English. Ok, now that you remember how miserable you used to be trying to be “cool”, think about before that when you were just a child and you liked what you liked no matter how awful it was. The days you would wear hot pink tutus over leopard print leggings and metallic LA Gears while running around topless screaming in the sprinklers. I don’t know many adults (besides @akesq) that would still do that.

Throw off the pretentious garb of your carefully curated adulthood, turn on some Top 40s radio, get thee to a Yogurtland, and guiltlessly indulge in your guilty pleasures. While I do have a reputation for being a wild and carefree meddler/merrymaker, this is not just my typical mammalian brain urging you into constant excess; this is the whole entire inebriated universe talking!  (I’m convinced that the powers that BE are on an eternal bender, but that may be wishful thinking in the latent Catholic alcoholic in me.)

Current astrological recommendation? It’s fucking party time, baby.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

“Bulletproof”, La Roux: “Been there, done that, messed around/I’m having fun don’t put me down,/I’ll never let you sweep me off my feet.” By nature a headstrong sign, Aries, you will have to forego your psychological Kiegel exercises, throw on your favorite sequined unitard (this is my 5th day in a row wearing mine), and learn to loosen up. The world is coming at you with a veritable buffet of fattening possibilities and it will punch you in the gob if you are wearing Spanx.  La Roux’s song is her singing to someone else, but in this case, you need to sing this song to yourself. Prove yourself wrong. The restaurant can “mess around” with your order, but don’t let it “sweep you off your feet”.  Open your eyes to the vast amounts of potential to the fact that they accidentally put buffalo wings in your brule. Sometimes things are out of your control. Have fun and remind yourself that any incurring digestive problems are just there to help you become “bulletproof”.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

In My Head”, Jason Derulo: “In my head, I see you all over me/In my head, you fulfill my fantasy/You’ll be screaming out./In my head, it’s going down.” I wouldn’t want to think any creamy thoughts around you this week, Taurus. Unless, we can act them out as per the Jason Derulo song. Like Sylvia Brown meets Alton Brown, the whole circus of talking peanuts is feeding your head with unprecedented psychic intuition plus a couple of dancing pink elephants just for fun. Feed the animals. Stick your fist into the lion’s toothy, gaping mouth and extract his inner pussycat. Nourish the clairvoyant insanity. It will give you extra insight into other parts of your life and it might get you laid. You might be able to “fulfill the fantasy” of all the “going down” you see in your head.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

All the Right Moves”, One Republic: “Do you think I’m special?
Do you think I’m nice?/Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?/Between the noise you hear/And the sound you like/Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?” I’m a Gemini, and I have to say…it’s been tough lately. Life has throw us a book full of recipes, the Kama Sutra, given us approximately 10 minutes to memorize both, and then has instantly demanded that we cook right and fuck sweetly. Mercury in retrograde has meddled with our mojo, left a tub of yogurt in the back of the fridge for a few grotesque weeks, and has demanded we clean up the mess. It can be easy to give up and just order in, but if you want to be considered “bright enough to shine” instead of “sinking in an ocean of faces” stop being a whiny little baby, strap on your FemBot apron with mixer boob attachments, turn that baby on, and start making some noise.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

“Airplanes”, BoB (featuring Hayley Williams): “Yeah
 I could use a dream or a genie or a wish/To go back to a place much simpler than this/Cause after all the partyin’ and smashin’ and crashin’/And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion/And all the pandemonium and all the madness/There comes a time where you fade to the blackness.” Dude, Cancer: get over it. Maybe last year you had the number one topless fried chicken resto in all of the world, but this year your best fry cook is in the hospital with third degree burns to her chest. Stop complaining about how boobilicious life used to be; the burns will eventually heal. Stop looking at every drumstick like it is your own personal key to hell. It doesn’t serve anyone to attribute negativity to everything that reminds you of what was or could have been. Sure, you could use a “dream or a genie or a wish”, but all that will do is take you back to someplace “much simpler”. It’s time to think crazy, to think “mad”. Instead of ONE topless fried chicken restaurant, you could have a whole chain of them!

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Alejandro”, Lady Gaga: “You know that I love you boy/Hot like Mexico, rejoice/At this point I gotta choose, nothing to lose.” An old friend once equated a relationship to ordering delivery, “You can order from the same Chinese restaurant all the time, but every once in awhile you are allowed to try another one to see if it’s better. And if you don’t want to do that, it’s ok to glance at the menu.” Sure, that girl was crazy, but she wasn’t advocating cheating per se. Her point was this: you have “nothing to lose” in simply having fleeting, spectacular, palatably satisfying feelings for something (or someone) else. One of the core truths about relationships of any kind is admitting that while you may love someone, part of their staying power is an orgy’s worth of filler MSG; they are only as good as how you imagine them to be. The universe is not necessarily asking you to choose between people (or things), but to make the choice to experiment with your current stable situation/perception. You “don’t wanna kiss/don’t wanna touch”. You just want to remember what it’s like to taste something different.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Break Your Heart”, Taio Cruz (& Ludacris): “Now I may not be the worst or the best /But you gotta respect my honesty/And I may break your heart

But I don’t really think there’s anybody as bomb as me/So you can take this chance, in the end”. Virgo, the consummate perfectionist, has been wallowing in all her past indiscretions this week. Maybe you bought a flourless chocolate cake and claimed to your guests you made it. Maybe you stuck your finger in the hummus at the Whole Foods salad bar. Maybe you “accidentally” stole some of those awesome little one calorie chocolate nibs that retail for more than an Intelligentsia latte. Whatever you did, admit it to the world, and move on. They will “respect your honesty” and “in the end” you probably won’t “break any hearts”. Convincing yourself that you have to be the “best” or you become the “worst” is only going to break your own heart. And that sucks. Don’t do it. I like your heart. Even if it’s not made out of a bunch of assorted chocolate truffles.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

California Gurls”, Katy Perry (& Snoop Dogg): “You could travel the world/ but nothing comes close to the golden coast/ once you party with us/You’ll be falling in love.” Someone had to get this song, the supposed “feel good hit of the summer”, and who better than Libra whose whole summer will be one “feel good hit”. Your life has been one giant ice cream truck full of delicious options. You are ready to “melt your popsicle” and gnaw on the Big Stick of truth; nothing after this year will ever feel the same in your mouth. Not food, not words, not random genitalia. Nothing. However, the experiences that you’ve had will not be thrown into the 3’’ x 5’’ recipe card heaven in the sky; “You could travel the world but nothing comes close…”. Every fancy cocktail, every late night taco stand, every sex adventure honey soaked sheet you’ve had to throw out has led you to this moment. This party. The one that will make you “fall in love.”

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Not Afraid”, Eminem: “And I just can’t keep living this way/So starting today/I’m breaking out of this cage/I’m standing up, Imma face my demons/I’m manning up/Imma hold my ground/I’ve had enough/now I’m so fed up/Time to put my life back together right now.” I’m going to tell you some heavy shit because you’ve been going through some heavy shit these last few years: I used to have an eating disorder. I went to years of therapy and they told me never to diet and obsess over food, but I’m still really controlling over what and how I eat. Scorpio, just like me, you will always be facing down your “demons”- food related or otherwise. Prove to yourself that you are no longer afraid. “Starting today” put anything you want in your mouth. The world is yours to enjoy. This month may have been frustrating and you may have been “fed up” but keep in mind one thing: at least you were fed. This emotional nutrition has given you the power to break free of your “cages”. Hey! We have cage-free chickens! Why not cage-free Scorpios!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

“Rude Boy”, Rihanna: “Tonight I’ma let you be the captain /Tonight I’ma let you do your thing, yeah /Tonight I’ma let you be a rider /Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up babe.” Sag, normally you are the Zodiac’s humble, sweet, stable closet party animal. Not this week! You are like the chairman of kitchen stadium. Knives are lined up, the Chef de Cuisine is wasted and chain smoking, and you’ve already adequately belittled everyone in your kitchen staff to the point where if they aren’t super efficient you will show them how to make kabobs from human flesh. Their own flesh. Stroke yourself thoroughly. “Do your thing.” This week you are the “captain”, the Top Chef, the “rider”. Everyone will follow your command. This rarely happens. So milk it. Even if it’s to the point of cruelty. You only live once.  Or so they say.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Not Myself Tonight”, Christina Aquilera: “Cause I’m doing things that I normally won’t do/The old me’s gone I feel brand new/And if you don’t like it/ fuck you”. Yeah, I said it. And don’t lie. You want to say it too. Throw out the old passive Capricorn. Walk up to the Hostess of Life and say, “Reservations for one. And if you don’t have a table than you better find a carpenter, chop down a tree, and make me one.” If you don’t make –no, DEMAND—that reservation for yourself there will be some not-so-fun cannibalism going on i.e. the Beasts of Burden will gnaw on your flesh and you won’t get the life that you so fully deserve. Do something you “normally wouldn’t do” and say “fuck you” no matter who doesn’t “like it”. It’s moments like this where you differentiate yourself from the herd. Cows end up dead on a plate. Remember that.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

OMG”, Usher (& Will.I.Am):” “i fell in love with shawty when i seen her on the dance floor/she was dancing sexy, pop, pop, popping, dropping, dropping low/never ever has a lady hit me on the first sight/this was something special ;this was just like dynamite.” Aquarius, you are the “shawty” of the week. You are like Rachael Ray when she first came out, when she still sort of had a cute beer belly. Before she sounded like she was on crack all of the time. Apparently, Lady Luck has “hit” you “on the first sight” and is going to “pop” like an undead stripper out of a cake and smack you in the face with million dollar lottery tickets covered in cream cheese frosting. Something about this week will be just like “dynamite”. I would almost recommend that you do nothing and just keep your eye out for undead strippers covered in cake. Or if you can’t find one, you know, randomly wandering on the streets (which is highly doubtful, this is LA), you could always get on the dance floor yourself and make it happen. I’d pay to see that. Maybe that’s where your windfall of money comes from. My lecherous voyeurism.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Love is My Drug”, Ke$ha: “I don’t care what people say/The rush is worth the price I pay/I get so high when you’re with me/But crash and crave you when you are away.” Sometimes when you make a meal, you make it to your taste. Every flavor is perfect, you could eat it all day, you might even be a little bit in love with your own cooking. Then something goes wrong. That “something” is -in your excitement- you invited someone over, served them the same dish, and they hesitantly gave you a compliment. After you passive-aggressively prodded them. It’s almost worse when you can tell someone REALLY doesn’t love what you love, instead of just telling you outright they don’t like it. Point is, Pisces: you are falling in love. With everything. Your choices, your ideas, your crazy little vegan scramble. These things are making you full, satisfied, happy and complete. Do yourself a favor and “don’t care what people say”. Let yourself fall in love with…yourself. People don’t have the same taste buds as you, and sometimes the “rush is worth the price you pay” when you do something others don’t understand. When you are doing what you love, for yourself, you can set your own price. Love is always better that way.

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